I have to perform a wedding this weekend. I'm nervous about it. I don't get nervous about much - but a wedding is supposed to be somebody's special day and I'm always afraid I'm gonna get up there and sneeze and fart at the same time or something.

I've only performed four weddings so far. The first one was back when I was actually a minister. It was for a German couple who didn't understand a word I've said. The three since then have been for my best friends, so that's kind of nice.

The wedding this weekend is for a bartender at Kitty's. He and his fiance are really great. I like them a lot. Here's how I got the job one night at Kitty's:

Bartender 1: I'm getting married this spring but we don't have a minister yet.
Bartender 2: That guy used to be a minister. He performs weddings all the time.
Bartender 1: Which guy?
Bartender 2: Over there.
Bartender 1: The one throwing up?
Bartender 2: No, not him. Next to him.
Bartender 1: The slightly effeminite one?
Bartender 2: No, that's his friend BP. Next to him.
Bartender 1: The Amish wookie?
Bartender 2: No, that's his friend P.Dirty. The other one.
Bartender 1: The extremely handsome one? He couldn't be a minister. He's too cool.
Bartender 2: Well, he's not a minister any more. But he can still do weddings.
Bartender 1: Perfect!

The rehearsal dinner is tonight. Afterwards, we're all going to Kitty's to have a little pre-wedding party. I wish my own wedding have revolved around Kitty O'Shea's this heavily.


I thought you did a great job at BP and Stephs wedding. You'll be fine this weekend.  


Thanks, man.  


How long have you known the couple?  


Few months. They're really cool, though. I could see myself hanging out with them. Plus, whenever he's been bartending, I've never had to pay for a beer. I've tried, but he won't let me.  


I was just wondering how well you knew them. Have you done weddings where you really didn't know the couple? BP and Stephs was awesome cause you are all such great friends, and it meant so much to them and you.

You gotta love free beer. No wonder you love that place so much. Ian likes Kitty's cause they called him "lad". He was very giddy.  


The very first couple, years ago... the Germans. I didn't know them at all.

Since then, everybody's been a really close friend, which has made it nice. So, this will be the first couple that isn't a close, close friend. The first night we met, I talked to them seperately to find out what they love about each other, so I could talk about it. The last few times I've seen them, we've just hung out and it's been nice because now I feel like I can talk about them with some degree of authenticity.

Kitty's is the greatest bar in Lexington. Few people agree with me, but few people are as cool as I am.

All the Irish guys are going to be at the wedding. If Ian wants to be my date, he'll probably get called "lad" a lot. And probably "poof" too.  


Make sure you tell him he can't come home from work smelling like a sweaty pig and expect to have sex with his wife.

That's what Amanda's minister told us.  


Are you serious? Did he know that you work with computers and usually come home smelling like your office chair?  


I don't remember the minister saying that. I was concentrating on not falling over while I was standing up there. I was soooo hammered!

Ian wasn't working with computers when he got married. Actually, I can't remember what his profession was that year. 2000...what did he do...give me a sec...  


He didn't tell me that at the wedding, he told me that when we met with him before the wedding.

And in 2000 I was working at Goodwood. Oh yeah!  


Nobody gives sex advice like a minister.  


Uh-oh. I see where this is going.  


Am I that transparent?  


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