Wednesday, June 08, 2005
stupid fiction: chad's gums - revisited
Originally posted sometime in 2004
It hurts like a bitch.
But luckily, Chad never imagined that having his gums filed down a quarter of an inch would be anything but painful. And even if he had - he wasn't complaining. Finally, Chad's mouth would look halfway normal. Instead of the looking like a cavern full of pink stalagmites like it used to. God, his gums were huge.
If Chad could have his way, he would have the doctor take off another quarter of an inch. But the doctor refused on the grounds that if he did, Chad's teeth could fall out at any time, without warning. "Your gums are the soil that keep your teeth rooted firmly in your mouth," the doctor would say. "Screw you, old man, " Chad would think.
People always told Chad he could be a model if it weren't for his enormous gums. "Really," they would say, "you could totally be in catalogues. Except for you huge f'ing gums. God, do you even have teeth? All I see is pink." Around that point, the people would realize their compliment had gotten off track and they would get awkwardly silent. For Chad, though, it was already too late. The damage had been done.
The surgery would go off without a hitch. Chad would have to endure two weeks of packing his mouth with guaze, but after the bleeding stopped and the swelling went down - the world would see the new Chad. The Chad with a quarter-inch less gum. The Chad who still had really big f'ing gums. Just not as big as they were.
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It hurts like a bitch.
But luckily, Chad never imagined that having his gums filed down a quarter of an inch would be anything but painful. And even if he had - he wasn't complaining. Finally, Chad's mouth would look halfway normal. Instead of the looking like a cavern full of pink stalagmites like it used to. God, his gums were huge.
If Chad could have his way, he would have the doctor take off another quarter of an inch. But the doctor refused on the grounds that if he did, Chad's teeth could fall out at any time, without warning. "Your gums are the soil that keep your teeth rooted firmly in your mouth," the doctor would say. "Screw you, old man, " Chad would think.
People always told Chad he could be a model if it weren't for his enormous gums. "Really," they would say, "you could totally be in catalogues. Except for you huge f'ing gums. God, do you even have teeth? All I see is pink." Around that point, the people would realize their compliment had gotten off track and they would get awkwardly silent. For Chad, though, it was already too late. The damage had been done.
The surgery would go off without a hitch. Chad would have to endure two weeks of packing his mouth with guaze, but after the bleeding stopped and the swelling went down - the world would see the new Chad. The Chad with a quarter-inch less gum. The Chad who still had really big f'ing gums. Just not as big as they were.
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