Today we continue the new interview series with JC Samsonite, also known as Mocha Bear, also known as Donkey, also known as Black Whale. James lives, works, and perspires in Virginia. He went to high school and college with BP. I met him at my first Men's Weekend. It was love at first sight. Let's dive right in, shall we?

Patrick: James, how are you doing?

James: I’m doing pretty well. Just working and enjoying life. It would have been a different story if you asked me yesterday. I had a Jambalaya Pasta Bowl. Let’s just say I was sitting in my “other” office for a majority of the afternoon. Anyhoo…how are things with you?

Patrick: Things were better before I heard the Jambalaya Pasta Bowl story. How's your personal life? And by "personal life" I mean your sex life.


James: Well, nothing too exciting is going on at the moment. We may be getting a new roommate in to replace Rudy. I’m sure you all know what happened there. I won’t go into detail.

Patrick: You really have a whole Three's Company thing going on there at your place, don't you? Except you probably have to lie and tell your landlord you're straight. Kind of the opposite of Three's Company, I guess. I actually, don't know what happened with Rudy, but I know he had crappy taste in music. That's enough reason to kick him out right there as far as I'm concerned. Let's move on. You do a lot of running, right? Tell us about that.

James: I’m sidelined with a foot injury from flag football. I still have my half marathon coming up in September, and I plan on taking up cycling soon. I’ve been pricing bikes the past few weeks, and I should be getting one by the end of this month. Van Donkey recommended that I wear a shirt that says, “This bike rides like your mom”. The shirt is in the mail.

Patrick: You and your shirts. I wish you were as passionate about pants. Seriously. Put some on. I can see your little Samsonite. So what else is going on in your life?

James: I scheduled a time to take my GRE to go back to grad school. A wise man once told me that you can never be too old to get your learn on. Who was that wise man? My dad. I’m sure he said it like this. Yooo con neber be too old too get your lern on. He has outrageous accent. Other than that, I’ve just been livin’. L-I-V-I-N’!

Patrick: Your dad is like the Filipino Buddah and The Todd rolled into one. Does he wear banana hammocks? You know what, dont' answer that. Let's move on. How's work?

James: Big city, hmm? Live. Work, huh? But. Only peoples. Peoples is peoples. No is buildings. Is tomatoes, huh? Is peoples, is dancing, is music, is potatoes. So, peoples is peoples. Okay?

Patrick: ... Did you just have a stroke? Let me ask it a different way. What kind of things do you do at your job?

James: My main job functions are to coordinate, install, and troubleshoot desktops, laptops, servers, switches, phone systems, and audio visual/VTC equipment. Oh…I misunderstood your question. At work I talk to people on IM, update my blog……give interviews.

Patrick: You make it sound so glamorous. If I was spying on you from another cubicle, what would I see? What are you wearing right this minute?

James: Oh my…such a forward question. I am wearing a navy blue polo shirt tucked into my Dockers khaki slacks, brown shoes, brown belt, blaaaak Hanes boxer briefs, and navy blue socks. I’m sure your wondering if I laid my clothes out for work the night before, and the answer is yes.

Patrick: I bet your mom misses doing that for you. So, tell us what kind of things you enjoy? My readers are dying to know. And by "dying to know" I mean "clicking over to another website right about now."

James: What do I enjoy…do you have all day? (insert fake laughter)

Patrick: Don't do that anymore. Just answer the %*#@ing question. Start with television.

James: Right now there isn’t anything that I’m watching on television. I find summer television to be the worst part of the year. If I had to watch something on TV right now, it would be reruns of The Office, and MTV hits cause I like to drop it likes its hot.

Patrick: Boooooooring. How about movies?

James: I’m really excited to see Superman Returns on Wednesday night. I am going to see it at an IMAX theater. I plan on dressing up as the blaaaak Lex Luthor. I haven’t seen anything in the theaters recently. Last movie I watched on television was The Notebook.

Patrick: ...

James: ...

Patrick: ...

James: ...

Patrick: You know, for your sake, I'm not gonna print that last bit about the Notebook (editor's note: Yes, I am). How about music? Do you listen to music, if so what kind?

James: What do I listen to?

Patrick: Yes! What do you listen to? What's the matter, did my unusual syntax screw you up? Gah!

James: I listen to just about anything except for country. I have tons of legal music on my iPod. If I had to pick a genre of music that just lifts my spirits after a long day at the office, I’d have to go with 80s music. Nothing beats a synthesizer….NOTHING!

Patrick: The only people who take the time to point out that their music is legal are narks or liars. What kind of food do you eat?

James: I’m not a picky eater.

Patrick: That's what she said.

James: I can be a little hesitant and skeptical when trying new types of cuisine...

Patrick: That's what she said.

James: but I end up liking whatever it is...

Patrick: That's what she said.

James: I like to dilly dally in the kitchen.

Patrick: That's what she said.

James: I watch a lot of Food Network.

Patrick: That's what she sa... you know what? That one doesn't even make sense. Go on, you were saying something about the Food Network?

James: I always wonder why Rachel Ray uses some sort of device to crush a walnut when she could just use her man hands….weird.

Patrick: She used to be hot, but now she's got a torso like a barrel. I can't even look at her without searching for her Adam's Apple anymore. So, I understand you're a huge nerd and read comic books. What kind do you like?

James: When it comes to comics, I’m DC all the way, unless I get a recommendation for the powers that be to check out something else. I’m a simple man. Right now I’m reading The Eternals. Right at this moment. Yes…while I’m conducting this interview. It’s called multitasking.

Patrick: Awesome. Nobody ever would have guessed you weren't giving this your all. Is there anything in life you're really looking forward to? Passing away in your sleep maybe?

James: Besides Superman Returns, I guess I’ll use this media outlet to let all my fans know that I’ve come out of retirement for flag football. I just signed a 1 year deal to play flag football with the Quantico Chaos. I’m sure my body won’t be able to handle the strain, but it should be fun.

Patrick: You know, it took me ten minutes to realize you said, "flag" football. Your answer makes less sense to me now. Anyway, what else?

James: I am eagerly awaiting football season. This fall, you can find me sitting on the couch watching college football on Saturday and pro ball on Sundays. Sounds exciting doesn’t it? Well it is.

Patrick: Huh? Sorry, drifted off there for a second.

James: I am also looking forward to the half marathon Labor Day weekend in Virginia Beach. I wasn’t pleased with the time I finished with, and I want to do better. Have I been training? If you consider drinking beer and eating pizza while sitting on the couch and watching television as training, then my answer is yes. I’ve been training…..a lot.

Patrick: Well, what do you know? I've been training for a marathon too and didn't even know it!

James: There is a chance that I may learn to swim before years end. Not learning how to swim makes it difficult to take showers and baths. Catch 22. Yes.

Patrick: I'm tempted to ask where an adult male goes to learn to swim, but somehow we've managed to avoid the phrase "bath house" coming up this long during the interview, why press our luck now? So James, where do you hope to be in ten years?

James: I hope to be alive, that’s fo sho. I haven’t really thought that far ahead. I take one day at a time.

Patrick: The second the question left my mouth, I was sure I was gonna get "bath house." Apparently I don't give you enough credit. Any closing remarks?

James: I’m gonna plug my website real quick. If you want to go somewhere on the internerd, waste time, and read about stupid sh*t, go to http://peagone.blogspot.com. However, if you want all that and more, go to http://jcsamsonite.blogspot.com.

Patrick: Yeah, right. Like anybody's gonna do that. Thanks for answering our questions, James.

James: Thank you for the interview. Thanks for having me, I had a great time. SAMSONITE... OUT!

file under: jerks


I never realized how handsome I was until I saw the pics you posted of me.

I also didn't realize how boring I was until I read the interview.  


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