Last year for Christmas Sara got me a gift certificate for a massage. I decided to hold off on getting it until my vacation this year so I could enjoy it in a state of perfect relaxation.

So I scheduled my massage for last Thursday. I arranged to have an upper-body massage as opposed to the full-body number. I decided that I carry most of my tension in my shoulders so it would be good for them to get a little extra attention.

Bad idea.

The masseuse beat the ever loving crap out of me.

I swear, at one point, she had her entire hand underneath my shoulder blade. And I think she was holding an apple in that hand.

Okay, it wasn't that bad. There were moments of genuine relaxation and comfort. It's just that they were followed by moments of genuine pain and terror.

I think the knots in my shoulders were just so bad that they needed to be worked out with extreme force. I think if I went back and got another massage it would be a completely different experience. Also, after you've had a few massages you finally get over the combined fears of accidental flatulence and accidental tumescence.


the "what" in your shoulders?  


The tension. Did I spell it wrong?  


no. in the last paragraph. i repeat:

the "what" in your shoulders?  


"Knots." As in my shoulders were tied in knots. Get it?  


I had to look up the word tumescence; I wish I hadn't  


Ha!

Just so you know, it wasn't a big fear or anything, but Sara has a friend who's a masseuse and the friend said it happens sometimes. I can't imagine how mortifying that would be.  


ahhh, you'd better "knot" say that again, you butthole.

see, it's just not even funny anymore. it got too conflated.

that's what she said.  


booo.  


Yeah. Simply awful.  


My relatives give great massages. I'm just sayin'.  


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