Tuesday, February 03, 2009
i predict 2008
For the first time since I quit writing for the Harlan Daily I decided to go back and reread some columns. It wasn't as painful in hindsight as I thought it would be.
I found one column, written at the end of 2007, where I made a bunch of predictions about 2008. There's a really bone-headed section where I somehow missed the fact that just because we were going to have an election in 2008, the Presidency wouldn't actually change hands until 2009. What can I say? Coherent thought has never been my thing.
At any rate, I invite you to read back over this column and count the predictions I got right. Here's a clue: Not many.
Here are my predictions for 2008:
The US housing market will continue to plummet until all current homeowners are forced out of their properties and into apartment buildings. This will spur some scientest to finally look into why the hallways of apartment buildings always smell like ethnic food.
Britney Spears' brother Brian will reveal that he's pregnant.
Britney Spears herself will be rushed to the hospital after a near chocking incident caused by trying to eat an orange pool float she thought was a giant Cheeto.
Two days into our marriage my current fiance/future wife will wake up screaming after realizing in a dream what a terrible mistake she's made. It will be too late.
The writer's strike in Hollywood will continue but Jay Leno's monologue will return to late night television when producers realize that the chimpanzee who writes it isn't actually a member of the writer's guild.
After stepping down from the Presidency, George Bush will retire from public life and write his memoirs. A printing mishap will result in the cover of his book being put on a Curious George children's book. No one will notice the error, including George Bush himself. Instead he'll pine wistfully away for the day he flew over the city holding a bunch of helium balloons and wonder whatever happed to the man in yellow.
A new President will take office and whether it's a Democrat or a Republican one group of pundits will love him/her no matter what he/she does and another group will hate him/her no matter what he/she does. Names will be called, excuses will be made, I'll still pay too many taxes, and politicians will make more money than soldiers. Despite my ferverent suggestion, American politics will not go screw itself.
Stem cell research will make huge leaps forward as Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computers collaborates with scientest to create the world's first iFetus. This completely artificial life-form will put an end to all controversial harvesting techniques, allowing scientest and researchers to finally harness the power of human stem cells. And it'll play mp3's.
Lindsay Lohan will return to rehab but leave again once she finds the earring she lost.
I will punch a horse. The horse will have it coming.
There will be famine, war, and pestilence. But there will also be Oreos, so it kind of evens out.
Someone you know will buy a hybrid vehicle. For some reason this will fill you with the unexplicable sense that they think they're better than you. You won't have long to ponder these feelings, though, because you have to go to the bank and take out a second mortgage on your home to pay for fill ups.
Killer Bees!
In an attempt to become more carbon neutral I will stop using my combustion engine powered toaster.
Sex!
HD DVD will emerge as the preferred high definition movie format, beating out Blue Ray and pounding the last nail in the coffin of my long hoped for Beta Max revival.
Dolphins will win the right to vote, but it will turn out that they're all Libertarians and the effect on American elections will be minimal at best.
Humanity will finally evolve to the point that every one of us finally realizes that every other human being on the planet is a person with hopes, dreams, and fears just like them and will then start acting accordingly. Then, right before we, as a unified people, really start to make a difference in the world, some idiot blows the whole planet up.
The End.
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I found one column, written at the end of 2007, where I made a bunch of predictions about 2008. There's a really bone-headed section where I somehow missed the fact that just because we were going to have an election in 2008, the Presidency wouldn't actually change hands until 2009. What can I say? Coherent thought has never been my thing.
At any rate, I invite you to read back over this column and count the predictions I got right. Here's a clue: Not many.
Here are my predictions for 2008:
The US housing market will continue to plummet until all current homeowners are forced out of their properties and into apartment buildings. This will spur some scientest to finally look into why the hallways of apartment buildings always smell like ethnic food.
Britney Spears' brother Brian will reveal that he's pregnant.
Britney Spears herself will be rushed to the hospital after a near chocking incident caused by trying to eat an orange pool float she thought was a giant Cheeto.
Two days into our marriage my current fiance/future wife will wake up screaming after realizing in a dream what a terrible mistake she's made. It will be too late.
The writer's strike in Hollywood will continue but Jay Leno's monologue will return to late night television when producers realize that the chimpanzee who writes it isn't actually a member of the writer's guild.
After stepping down from the Presidency, George Bush will retire from public life and write his memoirs. A printing mishap will result in the cover of his book being put on a Curious George children's book. No one will notice the error, including George Bush himself. Instead he'll pine wistfully away for the day he flew over the city holding a bunch of helium balloons and wonder whatever happed to the man in yellow.
A new President will take office and whether it's a Democrat or a Republican one group of pundits will love him/her no matter what he/she does and another group will hate him/her no matter what he/she does. Names will be called, excuses will be made, I'll still pay too many taxes, and politicians will make more money than soldiers. Despite my ferverent suggestion, American politics will not go screw itself.
Stem cell research will make huge leaps forward as Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computers collaborates with scientest to create the world's first iFetus. This completely artificial life-form will put an end to all controversial harvesting techniques, allowing scientest and researchers to finally harness the power of human stem cells. And it'll play mp3's.
Lindsay Lohan will return to rehab but leave again once she finds the earring she lost.
I will punch a horse. The horse will have it coming.
There will be famine, war, and pestilence. But there will also be Oreos, so it kind of evens out.
Someone you know will buy a hybrid vehicle. For some reason this will fill you with the unexplicable sense that they think they're better than you. You won't have long to ponder these feelings, though, because you have to go to the bank and take out a second mortgage on your home to pay for fill ups.
Killer Bees!
In an attempt to become more carbon neutral I will stop using my combustion engine powered toaster.
Sex!
HD DVD will emerge as the preferred high definition movie format, beating out Blue Ray and pounding the last nail in the coffin of my long hoped for Beta Max revival.
Dolphins will win the right to vote, but it will turn out that they're all Libertarians and the effect on American elections will be minimal at best.
Humanity will finally evolve to the point that every one of us finally realizes that every other human being on the planet is a person with hopes, dreams, and fears just like them and will then start acting accordingly. Then, right before we, as a unified people, really start to make a difference in the world, some idiot blows the whole planet up.
The End.
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